The Things I Should Have Said

I should have said I never enjoyed the aquarium in the third grade,

That it made me squeamish when I thought of all the

sad sea animals that longed to be set free.

And I should have said I missed my mom when my parents would ship me off to spend

the summer with my grandparents.

I missed my mom, and I should have said that

And I should have said at the age of 14 I no longer

enjoyed the company of the boys

at the lunch table,

and that I wanted to be alone,

because I felt alone.

And I should have said that when my siblings went on road trips with my father,

that I wanted to come

but I felt paralyzed

by the fear of being crushed in the small red car.

And I should have said on my 15th birthday that I’m no longer a child

and I wanted to experience life raw

and full without my parents looking over my shoulder.

And when I woke up in the middle of the night and my mom asked me if everything was

alright,

I should have told her I was scared.

I should have told my mom I wasn’t okay

and that I couldn’t sleep,

and that I felt alone,

and that I missed the fish

and the road trips

and the little red car.

I should have told my mom I was scared of being 16

and that life seemed like a black hole that was

suffocating me alive.

These are the things I should have said

These are the things I wanted to say

These are the things I should have said, but shouldn’t.