Elegiac Agony

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The World As We Knew by Danielle Deculus for Elegiac Agony by Hallel Abrams Gerber

Stranded in a void of my own creation
Lost amidst the rushes and waves, I flounder helplessly
Sinking
Steeped in solitude
Scars and silence
Slowly suffocating my soul
Caught in the heightened peaks and deep valleys of my own emotions
Full-bodied paralysis
Struggling to stay afloat

What does it mean to be ‘deprived of joys?’
Must it be this? A lock and key on my subconscious
Convincing myself to care, collapsing under the crushing weight of wyrd
Does fate even exist? Or just my ego
Fragile as a baby bird frozen in flight
Second-guessing each direction
Internal compass crashing in constant comparison, made faulty by failure
Daily rivers of regret rushing, pouring into each crevice
Corrupting
Confining
Concealing creativity
Creating chaos
The penetrating pain pervades

Like Sisyphus with the boulder, tasks become no easier by getting older
Feeling faith falter further and further
The war within rages, but I am not the victor
Mountains rising, each more rugged, ragged, unreachable
Barriers breaking down brittle bodies; brain’s betrayal
Nature, nurture, never mind
Nothing left anyway
Struggling to piece the puzzle together as it crumbles to dust in my hands

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Hallel is a junior at the Bronx High School of Science. She is a Copy Editor of her school’s paper and novice director of the speech and debate team. Outside of school, she is a Kol Koleinu returning fellow and Youthbridge-NY member. She is a passionate mental health advocate, avid reader, and fan of taking walks during snowstorms.
Accompanying photo: “The World As We Knew” by Danielle Deculus